“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
LOL!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.