Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me after drinking all the wine:

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

The happy life.. 😊

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

This January has 47 Mondays