Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

The name Ella is short for Mozzarella

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.