Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.