There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
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Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Life cycle of cat
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.