@TumbIrHumor

there’s an app for that

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@SilverKick

Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.

@Playing_Dad

[God, wasted, creating humans]
Angel: How do they cool themselves off?
God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them.
Angel: How…Ok.

@SGadea

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

@HrBry

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

@ItsAndyRyan

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

@pittdave13

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

@slimmy_shady

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

@golubeerji

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

@GrantTanaka

[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS