It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
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I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
🤣could you imagine
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them