There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Kids, do not try this at home!
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857