Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.