There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
