There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.