There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
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{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
The days of good grammer has went
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.