Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

Note to self: always read the final line

They say women only use 10% of their anger

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

Ape together strong

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that