Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

by any beans necessary

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.