There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
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me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Every. Damn. Time.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently