Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
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*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.