There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
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1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
What legos do when we’re not looking.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”