There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
Every damn time
beware of dog
(jukin media)
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.