Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

Better luck next time champ

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]