There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
2 years later
