Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taliband

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.