Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

🐠

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick