“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
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Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born