@SteveSuckington

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

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@Ilovelamp1979

Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.

@funnweaver

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

@WheelTod

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

@tamara_geldart

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

@amydillon

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

@ComedyAndTruth

Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”

@DannyZuker

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

@anoticingsenpa1

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

@mostunladylike

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

@IvoryGazelle

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no