“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”


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Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.


My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.



Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”


if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about


My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.


Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”


“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag


imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that


He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.


Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no