Every idiot in Florida just turned on their electric heater & they crashed the grid. Now I’m forced to watch my neighbor sleep in the dark.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition
*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no