“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
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It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people