There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
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My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
💯😂
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please