There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
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Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I’ll be mad as hell!
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet