There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
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me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Happy birthday to all the women
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.