There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
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I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E