theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
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Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
What’s the point buying it then?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is