theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
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Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide