Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

I think the cat got the dog high.

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?

ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.