There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
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Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
uh oh
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
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Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle