There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
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Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Adultry does not sound fun at all
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
How to make infinite energy.
