There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Who’s your best friend?
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.