There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
You Might Also Like
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )