There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
