Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

‘I know a black person’

– White people

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

Sounds like a real hoot.

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*