There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

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Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.


My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.


Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.


coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth


to stop shrinking
???? ?? ?? ???? ??
?? ???? ?? ???????? ??????


[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!


Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling


If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn’t have to duct tape candy around my kid’s torso like a suicide bomber


HR: You’re late. Do you even know what time it is?

Thor: Hammer time?

HR: Get out.


Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty…fill it..I’ll be on the couch.