Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

The world’s worst witness

Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.

Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?

Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.