Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

crying

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.