Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.