There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
You Might Also Like
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters