There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
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I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Me too door. Me too.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together