“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
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Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Tremendous stuff
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.