There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Meme Monday.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Brother?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Me when I hear gossip
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6