There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Wait for it
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
This made me chuckle cuz mood