There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
You Might Also Like
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Yes 😂
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!