There’s either a lot of cops out today, or I’m under surveillance.
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I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.