Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.

Husband: What are they?

Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”