Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”

and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.