there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
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Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
5 ways to appear taller
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.