there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
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How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
also my go-to takeaway order
