there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Always 🥴
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car