There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
incredible google review i just found
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
God making man in his image was the original selfie
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Who.
Did.
This?
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.