Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.