There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
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Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I hate when people be tryna do shit outta sprite
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March