Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

👽

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired