There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.