There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Good morning
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years