Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

Follow me for more recipes

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.