Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.