Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

They’re on their honeymoon

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]