There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
You Might Also Like
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind