There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
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20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
