Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten