Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace