There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
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*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt