Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks