there’s music for literally every activity
You Might Also Like
☠️☠️☠️
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
✌🏽
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur