there’s music for literally every activity
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Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..