there’s music for literally every activity
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Roombas should bark
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
look scared
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*