there’s music for literally every activity
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My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.