Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator

ㅤ

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

😭😭

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.