Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

Saturday

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

Leonardo DiCaprisun

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”