Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

i’m gonna allow it

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK