There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
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My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Breaking news:
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
smh
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves