There’s never enough good news
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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired