There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”