There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Lmfaoooooo
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*